we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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