At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
