i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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