Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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