I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
