the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
