I'm lost and stupid without you.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
