life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
