I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
