Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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