i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize