only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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