i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
