I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
