in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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