I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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