Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
