Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
