I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
