you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
