So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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