I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
