Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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