what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
