Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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