butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
