I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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