Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
