We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
