a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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