I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
