There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When are your genitals available?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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