hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have aggressive nipples.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
