just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
