Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize