matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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