I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
