the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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