I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
