At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
