I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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