i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
