We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
