Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
But theres a keg here and me gusta
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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