jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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