you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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