dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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