you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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