We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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