i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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