my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
