I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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