I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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