You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
