I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
