One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
