I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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